The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
6 mins; March 27, 2026
‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
6 mins; March 20, 2026
‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
6 mins; March 13, 2026
‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
6 mins; March 06, 2026
‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
5 mins; February 27, 2026
‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
6 mins; February 20, 2026
The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
6 mins; February 13, 2026
‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’
5 mins; February 06, 2026
‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
6 mins; January 30, 2026
‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
6 mins; January 23, 2026
‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
6 mins; January 16, 2026
‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
5 mins; January 09, 2026
‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’
5 mins; January 02, 2026
‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’
6 mins; December 19, 2025
Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct
6 mins; December 12, 2025
The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’
6 mins; December 05, 2025
‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’
6 mins; November 28, 2025
‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’
6 mins; November 21, 2025
‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’
6 mins; November 14, 2025
‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’
6 mins; November 07, 2025
‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’
6 mins; October 31, 2025
‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’
6 mins; October 24, 2025
This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob
6 mins; October 21, 2025
‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering
6 mins; October 10, 2025
Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord
6 mins; October 03, 2025
Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’
7 mins; September 26, 2025
‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’
6 mins; September 19, 2025
‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’
6 mins; September 12, 2025
‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’
5 mins; September 05, 2025
‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily
6 mins; August 29, 2025
Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’
6 mins; August 22, 2025
‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes
5 mins; August 15, 2025
‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’
7 mins; August 08, 2025
When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time
5 mins; August 01, 2025
The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews
6 mins; July 25, 2025
I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut
6 mins; July 18, 2025
The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’
6 mins; July 11, 2025
Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’
5 mins; July 04, 2025
Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
6 mins; June 27, 2025
I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens
6 mins; June 20, 2025
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’
6 mins; June 13, 2025
‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’
5 mins; June 06, 2025
He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals
6 mins; May 30, 2025
We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up
6 mins; May 23, 2025
Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’
6 mins; May 18, 2025
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’
6 mins; May 09, 2025
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers
6 mins; April 25, 2025
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’
6 mins; April 18, 2025
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
5 mins; April 13, 2025
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
6 mins; April 04, 2025
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
6 mins; March 28, 2025
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
6 mins; March 21, 2025
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
7 mins; March 15, 2025
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
6 mins; March 07, 2025
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'
6 mins; February 28, 2025
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
6 mins; February 21, 2025
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
6 mins; February 14, 2025
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
6 mins; February 07, 2025
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
6 mins; January 31, 2025
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
6 mins; January 23, 2025
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
6 mins; January 17, 2025
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
6 mins; January 10, 2025
‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
6 mins; January 03, 2025
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
5 mins; December 20, 2024
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
6 mins; December 13, 2024
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
5 mins; December 08, 2024
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
6 mins; November 29, 2024
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
6 mins; November 22, 2024
When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
5 mins; November 15, 2024
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
6 mins; November 08, 2024
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
5 mins; November 01, 2024
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
6 mins; October 26, 2024
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
6 mins; October 18, 2024
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
6 mins; October 11, 2024
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
6 mins; October 04, 2024
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
6 mins; September 30, 2024
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
6 mins; September 20, 2024
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
6 mins; September 13, 2024
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
6 mins; September 06, 2024
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
6 mins; August 30, 2024
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
6 mins; August 23, 2024
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
6 mins; August 16, 2024
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
6 mins; August 09, 2024
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
6 mins; August 02, 2024
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
6 mins; July 26, 2024
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
6 mins; July 19, 2024
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
6 mins; July 12, 2024
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
6 mins; July 05, 2024
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
6 mins; June 28, 2024
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
6 mins; June 21, 2024
Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
6 mins; June 14, 2024
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
6 mins; June 07, 2024
Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
6 mins; May 31, 2024
‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
6 mins; May 24, 2024
‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?
6 mins; May 17, 2024
‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’
6 mins; May 10, 2024
Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?
6 mins; May 03, 2024
Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
6 mins; April 27, 2024
‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
6 mins; April 22, 2024
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
