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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘You see, the 50-person limit has made Mass tickets a hot commodity’
6 mins; July 11, 2020
‘That’ll teach him to challenge the Rossmeister to a mickey-swinging contest’
6 mins; July 03, 2020
‘I’m the same as you. I hate it when other people are good at stuff that I’m not good at’
6 mins; June 26, 2020
‘We give our children everything they ask for, if that makes us bad parents – guilty as chorged’
6 mins; June 19, 2020
She saw a goy in a white coat and shouted, ‘Hero!’ And he was like, ‘Er, I work in Kiehl’s’
6 mins; June 12, 2020
‘We’re having a fancy dress porty and I’m going as the wife of a philanderer’
6 mins; June 05, 2020
‘Adultery is like getting a dent in a new cor. Once you’ve done it once, it gets easier’
6 mins; May 29, 2020
‘It’s a shame it took a global pandemic to get Ross to keep it in his trousers’
6 mins; May 22, 2020
‘Dad, you can shove your offer. I’m going to sit the Leaving Cert’
6 mins; May 15, 2020
‘I’ve been booking supermorket delivery slots weeks in advance. Then selling them for €70 each’
6 mins; May 12, 2020
‘Ross, how would you like to make love to a woman with grey hair?’
6 mins; May 02, 2020
‘Sorcha has an – I think it’s a word – alterior motive for the Zoom call’
6 mins; April 24, 2020
Joe Wicks goes, ‘That’s our warm-up completed.’ I’m already focked
6 mins; April 17, 2020
‘We’re not going to eat the banana bread. We’re going to give it to the neighbours’
6 mins; April 10, 2020
‘We’re fine up here, Ross. I just can’t imagine this thing coming to Foxrock’
6 mins; April 03, 2020
‘Ross, from this morning, you’re going to be home-schooling Honor.’ I laugh out loud
6 mins; March 27, 2020
‘The O’Carroll-Kelly Saliva Stakes is the closest thing we have to live sport now’
6 mins; March 20, 2020
‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’
6 mins; March 14, 2020
‘I recognise the look instantly. One cheater knows another’
6 mins; March 06, 2020
‘Samuel Beckett’s a writer. He wrote Waiting for Bobo’
6 mins; February 28, 2020
‘I just shake my head... The dirty dog. The filthy hypocrite’
6 mins; February 21, 2020
‘Sold to the man in the Ireland jersey with a bowtie tied around his neck!’
6 mins; February 15, 2020
‘I want you to flirt with the girl on the reception desk’
5 mins; February 07, 2020
‘I want this to be as big as the Statue of bloody well Liberty!”’
6 mins; January 31, 2020
‘Críost on a rothar. It looks like Chorlie Haughey’
6 mins; January 24, 2020
I hate my father-in-law the same way dogs hate lampposts
6 mins; January 17, 2020
"You’re a camel hair coat away from being your grandfather, Ro"
5 mins; January 10, 2020
‘We should have maybe hired a professional jockey’
5 mins; January 03, 2020
‘Is anyone going to own up to this Kris Kindle? Is this some kind of joke?’
5 mins; December 24, 2019
‘Ross, you can’t hold a note. I don’t want you embarrassing yourself’
5 mins; December 20, 2019
‘Goys, does Ronan look like he’s actually in control of that horse?’
5 mins; December 13, 2019
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We may need to cuff him when we get to Lapland’
6 mins; December 06, 2019
‘Tubs sees the boys then and – in fairness – he gives them the benefit of the doubt’
6 mins; November 29, 2019
'The dude goes, The horse is a maniac. He's the maddest animal I've ever seen'
6 mins; November 22, 2019
'Oh my God', Honor goes, 'there's a focking horse in the gorden!'
5 mins; November 15, 2019
'Me and the goys are thinking of buying a horse'
6 mins; November 08, 2019
‘It’s supposed to be like Quinta do Lago – except outside it’s Ballymahon’
6 mins; November 01, 2019
"It absolutely kills me to say this, but people hate our kids"
5 mins; October 25, 2019
‘Munster didn’t beat the All Blacks in 1978. This video proves it’
6 mins; October 18, 2019
‘No, Sorcha. I’m going to Japan. The team needs me’
6 mins; October 11, 2019
'All these early morning matches are taking their toll on me'
5 mins; October 04, 2019
'My meal was served on a 1986 edition of the 01 phone directory'
5 mins; October 01, 2019
Isn’t everyone wearing a kimono to watch the rugby?
6 mins; September 20, 2019
‘Munster beat the All Blacks. We’ve all heard the story... but did it really happen?’
6 mins; September 13, 2019
‘How does another dog plus five grand sound?’
6 mins; September 06, 2019
‘How dare they leave out the hyphen?’
6 mins; August 30, 2019
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Three
5 mins; August 28, 2019
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Two
10 mins; August 28, 2019
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt One
9 mins; August 26, 2019
As one girl puts it, ‘Send him back to Google in a focking wheelchair’
12 mins; August 23, 2019
‘The dude pats me down to make sure I’m not packing heat’
6 mins; August 16, 2019
‘You can’t fire me as a godparent. I resign’
5 mins; August 09, 2019
A south Dublin borbecue – what could possibly go wrong?
6 mins; August 02, 2019
‘I wouldn’t be shocked if she was running a meth lab out of her bedroom’
5 mins; July 26, 2019
‘You found 10 bags of cocaine and you go to the police?’
6 mins; July 20, 2019
‘It’s coke, Rosser.’ I’m there, ‘Well I knew it wasn’t Shake n’Vac’
5 mins; July 12, 2019
I’ve tried my best not to love my son any less since he storted wearing glasses
5 mins; July 05, 2019
Honor has suddenly started to think about environmental issues ... but why?
6 mins; June 29, 2019
Honor leaves Love Island to admit to driving the cor
6 mins; June 21, 2019
‘While I hate lying to him, that’s my job as a parent’
5 mins; June 14, 2019
‘Sorcha says the words that every rugby father dreads’
5 mins; June 08, 2019
'The Lambo my old man gave Ro is having a strange effect on him'
5 mins; May 31, 2019
‘We’re going to be doing what I call, Maths Through Rugby’
6 mins; May 24, 2019
‘You’re a Montessori teacher. A babysitter with good insurance cover’
5 mins; May 17, 2019
‘I know deep down she actually hates that I’m the cool parent’
6 mins; May 10, 2019
'I don't mind being buried in Deansgrange. It's a good address'
6 mins; May 03, 2019
'What the fock are you doing in a red Lambo?'
6 mins; April 26, 2019
‘We’re going to miss the Easter Bonnet Parade in Dalkey’
5 mins; April 19, 2019
‘I’m just saying that our kids are three little yobs’
5 mins; April 12, 2019
‘Let’s just say the match is not a good advertisement for rugby’
6 mins; April 05, 2019
‘I dedicate each sit-up to someone who’s done me wrong over the years’
6 mins; March 29, 2019
I’m remembering Fr Fehily hyped up to fever pitch after listening to his Hitler 45s
6 mins; March 22, 2019
‘Gout? What the fock is gout? And please don’t say it’s caused by rugby’
6 mins; March 15, 2019
‘We would have beaten you with or without Fr Fehily’s doping programme’
5 mins; March 08, 2019
The old man takes his truth bus to UCD’s snowflakes
6 mins; March 01, 2019
No one warns you as you leave Holles Street, “Kids can be seriously focking annoying”
5 mins; February 22, 2019
‘A convicted criminal is what this female student person called me!’
5 mins; February 15, 2019
''Fock England!’ they shouted as we passed actual England supporters'
6 mins; February 08, 2019
‘Ugly right-wing views? Is this about my letter to The Irish Times?’
6 mins; February 01, 2019
‘I’m entitled to know why taxi drivers seem to think so little of me’
5 mins; January 25, 2019
'How does this sound: The O’Carroll-Kelly Institute of Rugby!'
6 mins; January 18, 2019
‘Honor can be terribly cruel – it’s hilarious if you’re not the one on the receiving end’
6 mins; January 11, 2019
‘Honor cops me standing there, staring at her like she’s a dog explaining Brexit’
5 mins; January 04, 2019
‘Croia called me a Gender Binarist because of my Goys and Dolls party’
6 mins; December 28, 2018
‘Our way of dealing with our children’s anti-social behaviour has been to totally ignore it’
6 mins; December 21, 2018
‘I’m sorry but that’s where this Santa Claus draws the line’
5 mins; December 14, 2018
'I shan't be moving. I've got a full stomach and an empty bladder'
5 mins; December 07, 2018
‘I’m sorry for crying. It’s just my brain feels like it’s turning into paté’
6 mins; November 30, 2018
‘I swear on my children’s lives I’ve had no contact with Peter Casey’
6 mins; November 23, 2018
‘Our bogey group should be lactose-intolerant Border-county cyclists’
6 mins; November 16, 2018
‘I’m now a member of nine Mount Anville WhatsApp groups'
6 mins; November 09, 2018
‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’
6 mins; November 02, 2018
‘Honor was actually conceived in this cor?’ ‘We should push it off a cliff’
6 mins; October 26, 2018
‘You grew up in south Dublin, but it’s like you arrived from space an hour ago’
6 mins; October 19, 2018
‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’
6 mins; October 12, 2018
'There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything,we were on a break at the time'
5 mins; October 05, 2018
‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’
6 mins; September 28, 2018
"Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes"
6 mins; September 21, 2018
My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females
6 mins; September 14, 2018
Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #4
6 mins; September 07, 2018
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