LanguaTalk

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Working remotely is modern business-speak for on your own time and for no extra money’

5 mins; September 07, 2018

Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #3

7 mins; September 06, 2018

Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #2

11 mins; September 05, 2018

Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #1

10 mins; September 04, 2018

‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’

5 mins; August 31, 2018

‘Goys, this is Tayto Pork!’ The triplets’ faces light up’

5 mins; August 24, 2018

'A chill goes through my body as I notice her - get this - kissing an actual boy'

5 mins; August 17, 2018

"There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards"

5 mins; August 10, 2018

‘You cried once when Elaine Crowley was on holidays and someone else was presenting Midday’

5 mins; August 03, 2018

‘Tag rugby is, like, speed dating for South Dublin people’

5 mins; July 27, 2018

‘I’m reminded of an old rugby saying of mine: never be afraid to let the opposition see your abs’

6 mins; July 20, 2018

‘The hosepipe ban isn’t for People Like Us. It’s only €125’

6 mins; July 13, 2018

‘I considered driving over a cliff just so I wouldn’t have to hear their focking voices’

5 mins; July 06, 2018

'I'm close to cracking up and we're not even on the runway yet'

6 mins; June 29, 2018

'I'm morking the 20th anniversary of failing my test for the first time'

5 mins; June 22, 2018

'Unless it's escaped your attention, I'm a complete moron'

6 mins; June 15, 2018

‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’

5 mins; June 08, 2018

‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’

5 mins; June 01, 2018

‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’

5 mins; May 25, 2018

‘He was basically saying I’m Leinster and Ireland’s unsung hero’

5 mins; May 18, 2018

It turns out that I’m not as blue-blooded as I thought

6 mins; May 11, 2018

‘Priced out of Killiney? That’s what you get for choosing an orts degree!’

5 mins; May 04, 2018

Kielys of Donnybrook could be lost forever

6 mins; April 27, 2018

‘I can sense Sorcha tensing up when Honor is asked, “Do you reject Satan?”’

6 mins; April 20, 2018

‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. He dresses better than I do’

5 mins; April 13, 2018

‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’

5 mins; April 06, 2018

‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’

5 mins; March 30, 2018

‘It’s 500 yoyos to secure a seat, non-refundable in the event of cancellation’

6 mins; March 23, 2018

‘Bouncy castles attract undesirables. They’re not for People Like Us’

6 mins; March 16, 2018

‘You’re going to need to find another sucker – Mother’s Day or no Mother’s Day’

5 mins; March 09, 2018

‘You went down a different route, Sorcha. You had a family. Three beautiful children. Plus Honor’

5 mins; March 02, 2018

‘Why am I driving a shit cor? Because rugby is no longer a guarantee of anything’

5 mins; February 23, 2018

Grab It, Trouser It and Leg It – a proper name for an estate agent

5 mins; February 16, 2018

‘All these years, I’ve taken the rap for being the unfaithful one’

6 mins; February 09, 2018

The Gord goes: ‘Do you ever inquire as to what your daughter gets up to online?’

6 mins; February 03, 2018

‘We’re from South Dublin – none of us want to work for anything’

5 mins; January 26, 2018

‘When Dricmas falls on a weekend, people are entitled to the Monday off’

6 mins; January 19, 2018

‘To my ears, Irish always sounds like someone is hurting a Norwegian’

6 mins; January 12, 2018

I’m the most high-profile Irish rugby player who never got the Leaving?’

5 mins; January 05, 2018

‘Your resolution was to become part of the Irish coaching staff. How did you get on?’

6 mins; December 30, 2017

‘Oh my God, it’s Christmas – and we’ve just been told there’s no room at the Inn’

5 mins; December 22, 2017

‘Don’t forget to leave a very, very large gin and tonic out for, ahem, Rudolph!’

6 mins; December 15, 2017

‘Dave came back from that HR course like a soldier who’s been to war and can’t speak about it’

6 mins; December 08, 2017

‘Grandad!’ Rihanna-Brogan shouts. ‘Don’t call me that! Call me Rosser. Or Rossmeister’

5 mins; December 01, 2017

‘You don’t discriminate. You’re a complete pig to absolutely everyone’

5 mins; November 24, 2017

‘I have no prejudices. Except people who aren’t from Dublin’

5 mins; November 17, 2017

‘I know HR is an actual thing now, but to me it’s like homeopathy or dinosaurs'

5 mins; November 10, 2017

‘A brain like tiramisu.’ ‘Multi-layered?’ ‘No, soft and full of custard’

5 mins; November 05, 2017

‘I have to say my year in UCD was possibly the happiest three months of my life’

6 mins; October 27, 2017

'Believe me,’ Honor goes, ‘she’ll thank us for this in the long run’

5 mins; October 20, 2017

‘You’re a bloody good estate agent. I’ve heard of your lack of emotion and basic humanity’

6 mins; October 13, 2017

‘If white collar crime is a crime, then why does no one ever go to jail for it?’

5 mins; October 06, 2017

‘This is my actual Dad, Ross. He’s a kind of fat rugby has-been’

5 mins; September 29, 2017

Operation Trumpsformation: On Referendum Day, The Cornival Atmosphere Turns Sour for Ross

7 mins; September 25, 2017

Operation Trumpsformation: Micheál Mortin Calls The Old Man's Attitude Cavalier & Irresponsible

8 mins; September 23, 2017

Operation Trumpsformation: Honor, The True Heir to The O'Carroll-Kelly Rugby Name

12 mins; September 22, 2017

Operation Trumpsformation: The Old Man's Vision for A New Ireland

5 mins; September 22, 2017

‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’

6 mins; September 17, 2017

The old dear goes: ‘I will never forgive you for this, Ross’

6 mins; September 08, 2017

‘It’s the Vico Road. Do you think anyone around here cleans their own gaff?’

5 mins; September 01, 2017

‘It still hasn’t dawned on Sorcha that Honor is the wrong crowd’

5 mins; August 25, 2017

‘The anaesthetist is a total knockout – no pun intended’

6 mins; August 18, 2017

‘Public transport is for the poor and fallen’

5 mins; August 11, 2017

‘You drove to LA to hear a man from Crumlin swearing? You should have just gone to Crumlin’

6 mins; August 04, 2017

‘Ross,’ he goes, ‘you marbles-in-your-mouth, soft-as-shite, South Dublin mammy’s boy’

6 mins; July 28, 2017

‘The doctor says it’s an old rugby injury – I can’t tell you how proud that makes me’

5 mins; July 21, 2017

‘Is Honor double-bluffing me? Or is she double-double bluffing me?’

5 mins; July 14, 2017

"We need a name that says it’s for welfare cheats”

6 mins; July 07, 2017

‘I hear someone blubbing and I suddenly realise it’s me’

6 mins; June 30, 2017

'He dresses like shop security from the 1980s'

5 mins; June 23, 2017

‘We’re southsiders,’ I tell her. ‘We don’t really do feuds’

6 mins; June 16, 2017

‘We’re about to have our first openly second-tier-private-school-educated taoiseach’

5 mins; June 09, 2017

‘Look me in the eye, Rosser. Did you hab sex with my wife that neet?’

5 mins; June 02, 2017

‘We all make mistakes, Ro. . . Just try not to sleep with the wives of any other gangland killers’

5 mins; May 26, 2017

‘Look, the recession was a fluke. No one knows why it happened, just that it did’

5 mins; May 19, 2017

"It’s like if Tarantino directed Wind in the Willows"

6 mins; May 12, 2017

‘I stop seeing them as criminals, and more as a normal family, like the Kordashians’

6 mins; May 05, 2017

‘All estate agents know how to make bread. It’s one of the first things they teach you'

6 mins; April 28, 2017

'Your daughter is malevolent, belligerent and discourteous'

6 mins; April 21, 2017

"Ronan, I'm terrified of you being sucked into the world of guns, drugs and non-rugby nicknames"

5 mins; April 14, 2017

‘I push the stick towards him with what resembles a dead rat on the end of it’

6 mins; April 07, 2017

I am so excited thinking about all of the people’s lives we can change with this money!

6 mins; April 02, 2017

Ross will pay it, Shadden. As a matter of fact, Ross will pay for absolutely everything

5 mins; March 23, 2017

I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey

6 mins; March 16, 2017

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.”

6 mins; March 10, 2017

‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’

6 mins; March 03, 2017

"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other"

6 mins; February 24, 2017

‘If you showed Dermot Bannon around the inside of my head, he’d say the design was minimalist’

5 mins; February 17, 2017

They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’

5 mins; February 10, 2017

The old man wants to build Trump’s Mexican wall

6 mins; February 03, 2017

‘I actually like Trump. I like the way he pisses people off. I can see a lot of myself in him’

6 mins; January 27, 2017

‘I thought Pythagoras was something the Greeks dipped their bread in'

5 mins; January 20, 2017

"She unbuttons her coat and that’s when I notice that my old dear has had . . . augmentation"

5 mins; January 13, 2017

‘I win Most Ingenious Yet Borderline Illegal Use of the Phrase “Within Commutable Distance” award’

6 mins; January 12, 2017

‘The two of us listen to them roaring at each other’

5 mins; December 29, 2016

‘The turkey shuffles into the room and jumps onto the sofa beside me’

6 mins; December 21, 2016

Going through Honor’s Santa list must be what it’s like to go on Tonight with Vincent Browne

5 mins; December 15, 2016

‘The old man is making a complete orse of himself’

6 mins; December 09, 2016

Have you ever had an episode like this before? You could use his orteries for attic insulation

6 mins; December 02, 2016

‘I wouldn’t be any kind of best man if I didn’t try to persuade you'

5 mins; November 25, 2016

Click here to see more

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

Useful pages

Find a tutor

Languages