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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
6 mins; April 08, 2024
‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
6 mins; March 29, 2024
‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
5 mins; March 22, 2024
Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
5 mins; March 15, 2024
‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
5 mins; March 08, 2024
‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
5 mins; March 01, 2024
Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
6 mins; February 23, 2024
Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
6 mins; February 16, 2024
Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
6 mins; February 10, 2024
'I’ve got my top off, and RéaltÃn’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
5 mins; February 02, 2024
‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
7 mins; January 26, 2024
‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
6 mins; January 19, 2024
'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
6 mins; January 15, 2024
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
6 mins; January 05, 2024
‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
6 mins; December 29, 2023
Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
6 mins; December 22, 2023
‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
7 mins; December 15, 2023
‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
7 mins; December 08, 2023
‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
6 mins; December 01, 2023
‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
5 mins; November 24, 2023
I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
6 mins; November 17, 2023
Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
6 mins; November 10, 2023
‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
6 mins; November 03, 2023
‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
6 mins; October 27, 2023
‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’
6 mins; October 27, 2023
‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’
6 mins; October 13, 2023
‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
6 mins; October 06, 2023
‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’
6 mins; September 29, 2023
‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’
6 mins; September 22, 2023
Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
6 mins; September 19, 2023
‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
6 mins; September 08, 2023
‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’
6 mins; September 01, 2023
‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes
6 mins; August 25, 2023
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes
6 mins; August 18, 2023
Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
15 mins; August 17, 2023
Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
9 mins; August 16, 2023
Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book
12 mins; August 15, 2023
‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’
6 mins; August 11, 2023
Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls
6 mins; August 04, 2023
Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot
5 mins; July 28, 2023
‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’
6 mins; July 14, 2023
People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life
6 mins; July 07, 2023
‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’
6 mins; June 30, 2023
The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor
6 mins; June 24, 2023
‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’
6 mins; June 16, 2023
There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing
6 mins; June 09, 2023
‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’
6 mins; June 02, 2023
‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear
6 mins; May 26, 2023
The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
6 mins; May 20, 2023
The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10
6 mins; May 12, 2023
Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girl
5 mins; May 05, 2023
I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?
5 mins; April 28, 2023
‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’
6 mins; April 21, 2023
Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content
6 mins; April 14, 2023
The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters
6 mins; April 11, 2023
We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding
6 mins; March 31, 2023
I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick me
6 mins; March 27, 2023
What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny Sexton
6 mins; March 21, 2023
Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beaten
6 mins; March 17, 2023
Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself
5 mins; March 10, 2023
I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talent
6 mins; March 03, 2023
I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, Ranelagh
6 mins; February 24, 2023
I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myself
5 mins; February 17, 2023
One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!
6 mins; February 10, 2023
I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stop
6 mins; February 03, 2023
Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year
6 mins; January 30, 2023
Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me
6 mins; January 20, 2023
If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing
6 mins; January 13, 2023
I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve
5 mins; January 06, 2023
‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’
6 mins; December 23, 2022
'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once'
6 mins; December 16, 2022
It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plate
6 mins; December 09, 2022
‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’
5 mins; December 02, 2022
'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord'
6 mins; November 25, 2022
The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella
6 mins; November 18, 2022
‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’
6 mins; November 11, 2022
‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’
5 mins; November 08, 2022
'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally'
6 mins; October 28, 2022
'I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to Terenure'
5 mins; October 21, 2022
'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners'
5 mins; October 14, 2022
'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid'
5 mins; October 07, 2022
'Honor storts screaming at the top of her lungs. But no one hears her. Because mine are louder'
5 mins; September 30, 2022
'Ronan is a – what’s the word – Republican? As in, he’s got the names of the whole crew from 1915 tattooed on his upper orm'
5 mins; September 23, 2022
'The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the master'
6 mins; September 16, 2022
‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’
5 mins; September 09, 2022
‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’
6 mins; September 02, 2022
‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’
6 mins; August 26, 2022
I’m lying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups with my top off, when I hear Honor go, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two focking clowns!
7 mins; August 19, 2022
‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’
6 mins; August 13, 2022
What are the girls in Mount Anville going to say when they find out you’re living in a housing estate?
7 mins; August 06, 2022
I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows
7 mins; July 29, 2022
‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’
6 mins; July 22, 2022
‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’
6 mins; July 15, 2022
Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling
7 mins; July 08, 2022
Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)
7 mins; July 01, 2022
Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code
6 mins; June 24, 2022
‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’
7 mins; June 17, 2022
‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’
7 mins; June 10, 2022
Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments
7 mins; June 04, 2022
"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"
7 mins; May 27, 2022
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