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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"
7 mins; May 27, 2022
‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’
6 mins; May 20, 2022
‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’
7 mins; May 13, 2022
Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?
7 mins; May 06, 2022
‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’
6 mins; April 29, 2022
‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’
6 mins; April 22, 2022
‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’
6 mins; April 16, 2022
‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’
5 mins; April 11, 2022
‘Girls learn differently to boys - slowly and not as well’
7 mins; April 02, 2022
‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’
6 mins; April 01, 2022
‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’
6 mins; March 25, 2022
'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?'
6 mins; March 18, 2022
'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'
6 mins; March 11, 2022
‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’
6 mins; March 04, 2022
‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic
6 mins; February 25, 2022
'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'
6 mins; February 18, 2022
Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms
7 mins; February 11, 2022
‘I feel like my old man – the pub bore, shouting opinions into the air while everyone zones out’
6 mins; February 04, 2022
‘When I say it’s oaber, Rosser, Ine thalken about me and Hodor’s business. It’s boddixed’
5 mins; January 28, 2022
‘Like a great many politicians, I have a public position, as well as a private position’
6 mins; January 21, 2022
‘This is killing me, Sorcha. I feel about as useful as a focking Orts degree’
6 mins; January 14, 2022
‘Andrea Shotton called me maskier than thou,’ Sorcha goes
6 mins; January 07, 2022
‘Oh, please, God, no. I can’t become a father again at, like, 42’
6 mins; December 31, 2021
‘It’s such a good present I actually wanted to smash it to pieces – just purely out of spite’
6 mins; December 23, 2021
Sorcha injures her foot, while Honor makes a shocking discovery
6 mins; December 17, 2021
The Christmas cards are out, but a problem arises
6 mins; December 10, 2021
‘If you have to hide a cash incentive inside a food, it’s almost certainly not worth eating’
6 mins; December 03, 2021
'Johnny goes, "My daddy says we’re going to eat a reindeer"'
6 mins; November 26, 2021
Of course Santa exists – who do you think drinks all the Heineken?
6 mins; November 19, 2021
‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’
6 mins; November 13, 2021
‘I can lie – very easily – but not when it comes to rugby’
6 mins; November 05, 2021
‘They talk about the Collison brothers, but those chaps have got nothing on you, Honor’
7 mins; October 29, 2021
‘You are not giving me a combover’
6 mins; October 22, 2021
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I can’t go bald. I’m 41 – but I’m, like, a young 41?’
6 mins; October 15, 2021
'My children are storting to grow on me'
6 mins; October 08, 2021
‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’
6 mins; October 01, 2021
"I’m having Vietnam-style flashbacks here"
6 mins; September 24, 2021
"Sorcha did Fake Sincerity as an extracurricular subject in Mount Anville"
6 mins; September 17, 2021
"First day in Willow Pork for the triplets – the absolute shame of it"
6 mins; September 10, 2021
"My fingers are actually shaking as I type my exam number into the laptop"
6 mins; September 03, 2021
‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’
5 mins; August 27, 2021
"Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccine"
5 mins; August 20, 2021
"You don't seem angry, like a lot of people who are into the Irish language" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #4
7 mins; August 18, 2021
"It's a ball, but not an ordinary-shaped ball. This one is, like, round" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #3
10 mins; August 18, 2021
"Out of the hundred or so people seated for dinner, I'm the only one wearing a Leinster jersey" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #2
9 mins; August 17, 2021
"Everyone's clapping as Sorcha steers Samantha Power to the front row" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #1
10 mins; August 16, 2021
‘His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop every five minutes, so it doesn’t go into sleep mode’
6 mins; August 07, 2021
‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’
6 mins; July 30, 2021
'Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’
6 mins; July 23, 2021
‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’
6 mins; July 17, 2021
‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’
6 mins; July 09, 2021
‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’
6 mins; July 02, 2021
‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’
6 mins; June 26, 2021
‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’
6 mins; June 18, 2021
I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throne
6 mins; June 11, 2021
‘There wasn’t even a turn-down service, Judge. I’ll be having flashbacks for as long as I live’
6 mins; May 28, 2021
‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’
6 mins; May 21, 2021
‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’
6 mins; May 14, 2021
'Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dread'
6 mins; May 07, 2021
‘They brought a corvery dinner to my room!’
6 mins; April 30, 2021
‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’
6 mins; April 23, 2021
'I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us'
7 mins; April 16, 2021
‘Get in before they change their minds and haul your orse back to jail’
6 mins; April 09, 2021
My opening line in the Irish oral was ‘Bonjour’. I never really recovered after that
6 mins; April 02, 2021
‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’
7 mins; March 26, 2021
‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’
5 mins; March 19, 2021
‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’
7 mins; March 12, 2021
‘Netflix is port of the conspiracy! A form of methadone’
6 mins; March 05, 2021
‘We can’t just dump all our rubbish in the front gorden, Sorcha'
5 mins; February 26, 2021
"Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my life"
5 mins; February 19, 2021
'After a year of being locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’
6 mins; February 12, 2021
‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’
6 mins; February 05, 2021
‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’
6 mins; January 29, 2021
‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’
6 mins; January 22, 2021
‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’
6 mins; January 15, 2021
‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’
6 mins; January 08, 2021
‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’
6 mins; January 01, 2021
‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’
6 mins; December 18, 2020
‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’
6 mins; December 11, 2020
‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’
6 mins; December 04, 2020
The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cake
6 mins; November 27, 2020
‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’
6 mins; November 20, 2020
‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Make America Great Again sweatshirt’
5 mins; November 13, 2020
‘Where is Flavian Way, anyway? It actually sounds more Glenageary than Dalkey?’
6 mins; November 07, 2020
‘You can’t end a relationship with someone by climbing out the window’
6 mins; November 07, 2020
I can hear the old dear’s hysterical voice going, ‘Better men than you have eaten my one-pot stews!’
6 mins; October 23, 2020
‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’
6 mins; October 16, 2020
‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’
6 mins; October 09, 2020
‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’
6 mins; October 02, 2020
‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’
6 mins; September 26, 2020
‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’
6 mins; September 18, 2020
‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’
6 mins; September 11, 2020
I’ve seen her drink turpentine and still be sober enough for nine holes in Foxrock
6 mins; September 04, 2020
This is still the Vico Road. Pandemic or no pandemic
6 mins; August 28, 2020
Your old dear is no scene-stealer... she has sticky-out ears and legs like the William Dorgan Bridge
6 mins; August 21, 2020
‘I’m going to ask you something,’ Sorcha goes, ‘Have you two been sleeping together?’
6 mins; August 14, 2020
‘We could be in DeVille’s among people who get where we’re coming from. Literally the Vico Road’
6 mins; August 07, 2020
We’re not American. This is how people from south Dublin talk?
6 mins; July 31, 2020
‘I know none of us should be travelling - but Fock it’
6 mins; July 24, 2020
‘We’ll be eating soup in Drizzle Mór while everyone else is sipping pina coladas’
6 mins; July 18, 2020
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