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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When she was born, the midwife smacked her orse and Sorcha fake-smiled her back

6 mins; November 11, 2016

Don’t be frightened, it’s just latex and make-up – but you can call her Granny

6 mins; November 07, 2016

‘Mount Anville took out a High Court injunction banning me from their debs one year’

6 mins; October 21, 2016

‘You’re a dirty dog. And I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel’

6 mins; October 13, 2016

Women want more. I say let them have it. I’m just not sure I’m the man to give it to them

5 mins; October 07, 2016

“ It feels like you’re.”“What?” “I’m going to use the phrase ‘pimping me out’.”

5 mins; September 30, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘No one goes to lectures before Christmas’

5 mins; September 23, 2016

‘Her ex worked as a risk assessor for an insurance company. I call him Love Actuary’

6 mins; September 16, 2016

‘Did you hear that, Shadden? George Clooney is one of Hennessy’s neighbours!’

6 mins; September 09, 2016

‘Honor is pacing in front of the cage, glowering at 200 terrified kids’

6 mins; September 02, 2016

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 4

7 mins; August 29, 2016

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 3

10 mins; August 29, 2016

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 2

4 mins; August 29, 2016

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 1

8 mins; August 29, 2016

We can hear them chanting through the walls of the dressing room

6 mins; August 26, 2016

‘You’re so transparent. You’re trying to butter me up so I won’t humiliate you too badly’

7 mins; August 22, 2016

‘After 2km, I’m wheezing like a 60-cigarettes-a-day man while Garret isn’t even breathing heavily’

6 mins; August 17, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘He’s got 12 months of hord training behind him. All I’ve really got is drugs’

5 mins; August 05, 2016

‘That’s a side-effect of taking these pills, by the way – short-term memory, em . . . thingy ’

5 mins; July 29, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What’s happening with your face?’ ‘I’m thinking. I’m thinking deeply’

5 mins; July 22, 2016

‘I suddenly feel the kind of shame that only a couple of lunchtime pints can help erase’

6 mins; July 16, 2016

"See that little island down there. Lambay Island. Or – as it will soon be known – Aquatraz"

6 mins; July 08, 2016

“Do you want to be the fedda puking his ring up on the soyud of the road?

5 mins; July 01, 2016

‘I find myself standing on Vico Road, hand on the wall, throwing my breakfast up’

6 mins; June 24, 2016

‘Claire doesn’t have, like, a Wicklow Wicklow accent? she’s very, very nearly South Dublin’

5 mins; June 17, 2016

‘Are any of you familiar with Countdown?’ Of course they are – they were in UCD

5 mins; June 10, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re like a young Katie Hopkins – except more, I don’t know, evil?’

6 mins; June 03, 2016

JP’s dad won’t be able to show his face in Doheny & Nesbitt’s again

6 mins; May 27, 2016

‘I can see Honor standing in the wings, giving Miss Pallister the famous one-finger salute’

6 mins; May 20, 2016

She might have fitted into the dress on our wedding day, but now, well..'

5 mins; May 20, 2016

‘I put Leinster on the Census form as my religion’

6 mins; May 07, 2016

‘If at first you don’t succeed, it’s a pretty good indication you’re never going to’

5 mins; April 29, 2016

‘I could tell you the word she used except The Irish Times probably wouldn’t print it’

6 mins; April 22, 2016

‘I can’t wait to see Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you in the High Court'

6 mins; April 15, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: doing a hard sell on Inchicore as an estate agent

5 mins; April 08, 2016

Honor is naturally gifted on the piano. She’d want to be – we’ve spent about 12 grand on lessons

6 mins; April 01, 2016

‘The last time JP had his hand on a breast, it came out of a bucket’

6 mins; March 25, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I haven’t heard the word pronoun since I sat the Junior Cert’

6 mins; March 18, 2016

‘Are you the same guy who first called Mullingar the Gateway to Dublin?’

5 mins; March 12, 2016

‘I make sure to just say it in my mind. Because that’s being a good husband'

6 mins; March 04, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Chorles wants a prison colony for people who don’t pay their water bills’

5 mins; February 27, 2016

‘The government is planning to come down hord on people not paying their water bills’

6 mins; February 19, 2016

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Keep your friends close. But make sure you have the means to destroy them’

6 mins; February 16, 2016

This is getting ridiculous. It’s like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha

5 mins; February 05, 2016

He smiles with the same smile he uses when choosing his lobster in Cavistons

6 mins; January 29, 2016

These apartments will be so small, there won’t be room for two people to break wind

6 mins; January 15, 2016

These are going to be our Family Date Nights

5 mins; January 08, 2016

Has she been drinking or is she still pissed from last night?

5 mins; January 02, 2016

I just don’t consider it a sport. It’s like watching CCTV footage of a fight

6 mins; December 18, 2015

You look like something Dr Marie Cassidy should be going at with rubber gloves and a bone saw

5 mins; December 14, 2015

I actually love women. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it.

5 mins; December 14, 2015

Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff

6 mins; November 27, 2015

I’m the porty spokesperson on Gender Issues

6 mins; November 20, 2015

Ross, we need to take Pang to the Beacon – right now

6 mins; November 13, 2015

My son’s nickname is Manslaughter.

6 mins; November 06, 2015

Sorcha hasn't touched her chicken

6 mins; October 30, 2015

“Ireland won alright. Which means we’re into the semi-finals of the World Cup!”

6 mins; October 23, 2015

“A lot of children are just born that way – they’re d**kheads.”

5 mins; October 16, 2015

I’m there, “Pang, give me those cigarettes.” She goes, “Get away from me, you racist!”

6 mins; October 09, 2015

If you can do it on the upper deck of a no 40 bus

5 mins; October 02, 2015

‘If you bought a gaff in Tenerife, they'd say they bought one in Elevenerife’

6 mins; September 23, 2015

I should report you – underfloor heating is a human right

6 mins; September 18, 2015

Seedless in Seattle Extract Five

9 mins; September 14, 2015

Seedless in Seattle Extract Four

4 mins; September 14, 2015

Seedless in Seattle Extract Three

7 mins; September 14, 2015

Seedless in Seattle Extract Two

7 mins; September 14, 2015

Seedless in Seattle Extract One

8 mins; September 12, 2015

RO'CK: It's here. A day I thought I'd never see

5 mins; September 12, 2015

Ross goes to Electric Picnic: “I’m not staying in a focking tent”

5 mins; September 04, 2015

People are chanting, "Co'ck for Taoiseach!"

6 mins; August 28, 2015

‘His dog just bit me,’ Honor goes. ‘Get up off your knees. We’re going to the Gords’

6 mins; August 21, 2015

‘Why don’t you just tell Denis O’Brien’s solicitor that you’ll stop having Denis O’Brien Hair?’

6 mins; August 14, 2015

‘Whatever you think about two men kicking the humanity out of each other in a cage...'

6 mins; August 07, 2015

I've got to stop thinking about my old man as an ATM

6 mins; July 31, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - JPs old man

6 mins; July 24, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - You know that smell

5 mins; July 10, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - I've genuinely never seen Sorcha so angry ...

6 mins; July 03, 2015

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Why would I want to date you? I’m already married to you.’

5 mins; June 26, 2015

Ross O'Carroll Kelly (June 20th - 2)

6 mins; June 22, 2015

Ross O Carroll Kelly (20th June)

6 mins; June 19, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 23rd)

6 mins; June 11, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 13th)

5 mins; June 11, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 6th)

6 mins; June 11, 2015

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 30th)

5 mins; June 11, 2015

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

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